this is a blog

See, I had a blog. And it was pretty decent. But there was stuff on it that I look back and cringe at. I have outgrown that blog, and it will remain an accurate depiction of my life between the ages of nineteen and twenty-one. I have changed since making that blog, and I am a different person. I am grumpier and grouchier and more tired, and I am more experienced but less bitter. I have chosen a path of forgiveness of those who I've felt did me wrong, and I'm all the better for it.

So it's time to start fresh, with some new adventures. Not that I adventure all that much anymore. I'm a bit of a homebody. I like to be at home, safe, in my bed and the blanket fort I have created since I came home. I like to play video games with my siblings and sit in my bowl-chair, writing, as my sister sits crocheting on the bed. I like to go downstairs and drink sugar-free lemonade. I like to listen to my little brother practicing the trumpet. But I do not like to leave these safeties, these people I call home. I am more afraid than I ever was, and I have been gentled and humbled by my fear and my grief.

I am new.

Both the title of this blog and my URL come from lyrics. The URL, "my midnight melody," comes from a song called "Kamikaze," by the musician Owl City. I really kind of adore Owl City. It's not just because the lead singer is cute (although he certainly is easy on the eyes) or because I can dance to the songs; it's because the lyrics are sweet and complex and gentle, and they often reflect things that I feel. And the title of the blog, Let Felicity Fly, comes from a song called "Galaxies," also by Owl City. I've included the definition of the word "felicity" in the description. It's not just a name; it means happiness. But it also means the talent for speaking or writing in an effective way, which is something I hope to accomplish here. I'm looking for both kinds of felicity, so it seemed fitting.

If you know me in person, you may know some of my story; if not, then I'll provide a short description of who and where I am and what I'm doing with my life. I am an almost-college-graduate. I literally have four credits left of classwork before I am finished. I meant to finish in December of 2014, but due to depression, anxiety, homesickness, and general panic about what I was going to do with my life, I was unable to do so, and instead of trying again I decided to go home and finish my work with independent study courses online instead of living on the other side of the country from my family.

I haven't started my classes yet. I also do not know how to drive, despite the fact that I am twenty-one years old and I should have known how a long time ago. So my life, at the moment, consists of a lot of sitting around and doing nothing. I'm okay with that. I need a little nothing in my life, so that I don't get overwhelmed by all the somethings around me. I have a problem where I can't fall asleep until around three or so and then I don't wake up until twelve or even one. I write a lot, read a little less than I used to, spend far too much time doing stupid things on the Internet like watching videos of my friends' babies on Instagram and Facebook, and think about how I've failed at various points in my life almost constantly.

Some of you might think, "Wow, what a waste of space and resources this girl is!" Yes, you are correct. I am not contributing much in the way of productive activity to society at large. However, I am at home, recuperating after long trials with mental illness. I am changing medications so as to retain greater control over my condition. I am learning to forgive not only those who I feel have wronged me, but also myself. I am writing every day and growing better at it as I do so. I am on a diet with my parents and my sister and I have lost fifteen pounds already, and I plan to keep losing weight until I am no longer obese according to American health standards.

I don't feel as though I personally am worth all that much, but I have a little brother who needs and loves me because I am patient and kind with him, and I can see some of my demons growing inside of him as well. He's going to need me now and later.

I have a little brother who is sweet and kind and innocent and who struggles with the way he perceives the world in comparison to how others perceive it, and he needs me because I have always been there and I always will be there, and if I were not there it would be a bad sort of change.

 I have a little sister who moves through life a little more slowly and gently than those around her, leaving less bruises but more color on the world around her, and though she might not want to admit it, ever, she needs me too, more as a friend than anything else, because all of her friends are away, doing things, apart but not past her, and she misses them.

 I have an older brother who is doing his best to help, teach, serve, and improve the lives of others, and he needs me to be healthy and happy so that he doesn't need to worry about me and he can focus on his service and goodness.

I have a mother who is worried about me and who believes I take too many burdens on myself, that I bear too much sorrow when I don't have to. I know that she is right, but it's not something I can help, exactly. She needs me, too. She needs me to be happy and loved and safe.

I have a father who loves me, and who wants me to be healthy and doesn't quite understand why I can't function the way I used to, but is willing enough to accept it and to do his best to help me. He needs me because he loves me, and so do all of the others.

I wonder, sometimes, why they need me so badly. But then I remember that out of our seven, I am fourth, exactly in the middle, and I am glue to hold them all together. I am peace-maker, diplomat, the bridge between childhood and adulthood. They do need me, even though I can't quite see why. And I need them, because if I don't have them I will drown.

I never said this was going to be a happy blog. The last one started out happy, and rapidly got more depressing as I became more depressed. For this one, I offer no disclaimers. It is what it is.

Despite the fact that I am a deeply flawed, broken, unhappy person, I still retain some sense of hope for the future. Things are looking up. I'm on a new medicine, I don't have to worry about paying rent and grocery money, I have people who love me and are willing to hug me every day- something I needed at school and didn't have. I've lost fifteen pounds and it shows in my face and legs, two places I wanted it to show the most. I'm still scared of talking to boys, most bugs, and the sound of moving cars behind me, but I'm working on that.

It is in no way midnight, but this is still my melody. This is a song I started to sing twenty-one years ago and I haven't stopped yet. There have been times when the song has faltered, when the violins stopped and left me to try and sing alone. There have been times when I felt that the peanut gallery was throwing things at me to try and get me to leave. But it is in no way the end of my symphony, and I will keep singing until the song is done.